I miss God in my life. Never thought that after spending an entire year avoiding direct contact with him would only turn me back towards him.
To be perfectly honest, I still have issues with religious practices and religious people because they are quite the judgmental ones. I spent most of last year trying to connect with those who had abandoned the idea of God and religion, and while these people brought fresh perspective in my thoughts, I found them to be as judgmental as the others.
Religion or no religion, it seems to me that everyone is bent on shoving their opinion and beliefs down the other’s throat. Whether or not you believe in the existence of God, should be a personal choice. I am surprised at the amount of hate people have towards those who do not share the same belief system.
As for me, I am sick of everyone. The ‘non believers’ consider me as a confused person while the so called ‘believers’ are of the opinion that I will burn in hell. I feel like I’m standing on a thread. I don’t want to fall on either side. I believe that there is someone whose created all of this. It just doesn’t make sense to assume that this has always been around. At the same time, it doesn’t make sense that people who were born under the religion I was raised around are only worthy of heaven – if such a heaven even exists at all.
I have had a great time in 2015. I grew professionally and personally. It has been a fantastic experience, but deep down there was a sadness. A sadness that I couldn’t really name. A sadness that I couldn’t put my finger on exactly.
I woke up today with an empty feeling – and believe me, I have absolutely no reason to feel empty inside; been following all the ‘right’ rules, so why did I wake up sad? I remember waking up a little before dawn and I could hear the Azaan and at the exact moment when the Maulaana said, Hayya Alas Salah (Rush to prayer), I was enveloped with a strange feeling and then I felt lost because I had stopped rushing to prayer a long time ago.
I became bitter because of certain experiences life. During those weak moments, I had prayed and prayed in front of him without things actually working out and I guess along the years I gave up on the idea of relying on prayers and decided to work things out on my own without having to ask him for anything. I’d still continue working my own way towards achieving things but I miss the connection. I have been practicing yoga regularly but whenever I have to meditate, I feel a little lost because I don’t know where to send my gratitude. Every day, I come across things that I normally take for granted. I have a lot to be thankful for.
My life is great. I just miss talking to him the way I used to. I am shocked to admit to my self even, but I actually miss praying and sharing my thoughts with him. I miss him.