Because I miss Him.

I miss God in my life. Never thought that after spending an entire year avoiding direct contact with him would only turn me back towards him.

To be perfectly honest, I still have issues with religious practices and religious people because they are quite the judgmental ones. I spent most of last year trying to connect with those who had abandoned the idea of God and religion, and while these people brought fresh perspective in my thoughts, I found them to be as judgmental as the others.

Religion or no religion, it seems to me that everyone is bent on shoving their opinion and beliefs down the other’s throat. Whether or not you believe in the existence of God, should be a personal choice. I am surprised at the amount of hate people have towards those who do not share the same belief system.

As for me, I am sick of everyone. The ‘non believers’ consider me as a confused person while the so called ‘believers’ are of the opinion that I will burn in hell. I feel like I’m standing on a thread. I don’t want to fall on either side. I believe that there is someone whose created all of this. It just doesn’t make sense to assume that this has always been around. At the same time, it doesn’t make sense that people who were born under the religion I was raised around are only worthy of heaven – if such a heaven even exists at all.

I have had a great time in 2015. I grew professionally and personally. It has been a fantastic experience, but deep down there was a sadness. A sadness that I couldn’t really name. A sadness that I couldn’t put my finger on exactly.

I woke up today with an empty feeling – and believe me, I have absolutely no reason to feel empty inside; been following all the ‘right’ rules, so why did I wake up sad? I remember waking up a little before dawn and I could hear the Azaan and at the exact moment when the Maulaana said, Hayya Alas Salah (Rush to prayer), I was enveloped with a strange feeling and then I felt lost because I had stopped rushing to prayer a long time ago.

I became bitter because of certain experiences life. During those weak moments, I had prayed and prayed in front of him without things actually working out and I guess along the years I gave up on the idea of relying on prayers and decided to work things out on my own without having to ask him for anything. I’d still continue working my own way towards achieving things but I miss the connection. I have been practicing yoga regularly but whenever I have to meditate, I feel a little lost because I don’t know where to send my gratitude. Every day, I come across things that I normally take for granted. I have a lot to be thankful for.

My life is great. I just miss talking to him the way I used to. I am shocked to admit to my self even, but I actually miss praying and sharing my thoughts with him. I miss him.

A Conscious Choice

From where I stand right now, I see my world at peace and I am at peace.

I have been regularly practicing yoga since the past two and a half months. In the past, I always mixed really basic yoga postures with a lot of cardio workouts to maintain my weight, but ever since I made yoga my only form of exercise, I have been pushing my self further each day to reach to a certain point. Turns out, I am physically and emotionally more stronger than I ever imagined my self to be.

Contradictory to common belief, yoga is not just about sitting in a certain pose and observing your breathing. It’s also about pushing your body to its limits and overcoming your fears. You can only achieve what you seek once you convince your mind to detangle it from fear of falling flat on your face.

This year, 2015, has been the best year of my life so far. This was the year when I entered my last year of twenties and made a conscious choice to remain single. I chose to enjoy my own company – and succeeded wonderfully! I made an effort to connect with like-minded people and ended up making some beautiful friends. I chose to skip an international trip to make several short trips within my own country to know my space a little better first and came back with amazing memories. I believe that I also managed to completely gain a control over my constant pessimistic thoughts. And most of all, I decided to get over my fear of driving which was the final move towards my independence and actually managed to buy my own car through my savings without having to take a bank loan which had seemed impossible once.

In between all these wonderful achievements, the one thing that people are still un able to understand is my reluctance to date or consider marriage proposals referred by relatives. What people are un able to understand is that I was really close to making a mistake once. I would have not only ruined my life, but would have dragged many people with me. Last year, I decided to learn from my mistake and chose to do something different but here’s a little background first; I always felt that happiness would only come to me if I find my one true love, thus kept looking for it and continued being miserable at each failure / disappointment. I know now that I was completely wrong. How could I bring someone else happiness if I did not know my self what happiness was? I had to find my self!

What I did different this year was to learn to love and fully accept my self. And now, I am left with a feeling of peace and self-assurance that when the time is right, the right person will find me or I will find him. I get told all the time that a woman gets financial security once she has a spouse but I am at a position where I can now safely put that fear aside. I have worked hard and I am no millionaire but I am definitely comfortable. I know how to pay my bills and I know how to prepare my meals. I have wonderful friends with whom I hang out in the city a lot and each day, I continue connecting with like-minded people and add them to my list of favorites. There is so much love around me that it gets overwhelming sometimes. I get amused each time people uncomfortably mention that I will be turning 30 next year. These well-intentioned, but rather silly, humans believe that this number will gradually kill my chances of finding the right man but what they do not know is how excited I am to celebrate my big 30 and all that I have achieved so far! Maybe I will be an old maid with a gazillion cats one day (I’d actually prefer dogs!) but I know I will be in total control of my life and I will live each day as it comes. Maybe I WILL find a crazy soul just like mine who does not believe in caste and creed and all the BS our societies have self-created. Or maybe I won’t be that lucky but does that mean I should kill what I have right now by stressing over dreaming of someone I haven’t even met yet?

Simply put, I love life. With or without a soul mate, this life is mine and I am the heroine of my story. Whether or not a I find a wacky companion to spend the rest of my life with should stay a mystery for now as it’s a mystery to me even. I am not ashamed of my age. I am proud of what I have learnt so far. I am grateful for all that I have.

I love life and I love me. And that is just enough for now.

14.11.15 |12:00 AM

I have been trying since the past one week to sit my self down and update this blog, but every time I try, one thing or the other distracts me and then I decide to catch up on my sleep.

I don’t have any specific thoughts in my head tonight except for a ton of gratitude towards the Universe. I keep saying this but 2015 really has been a great year so far and I really hope that I am able to end it on the same note too.

I don’t want to wait till New Year’s eve to write this down due to several reasons out of which a major one is: What if I am dead before it even happens? (<- No, I am not suffering from some disease but I could get hit by a car or something, right? Plus, the world needs to be able to find as much positivity on Google Search as possible and I want to be one of the contributors)

Anyway, before I lose my focus, I am going to list down things (in no particular order) that I have learnt and am grateful for after that horrible 2014 came to an end:

  • 2014 made me realize that I am braver than I thought
  • Everything and anything that we wish to achieve is only an arm’s length away. There is no Wishing Well available to make our dreams come true. We ourselves are what make things happen for us.
  • Anger is a waste of time. Same goes for holding on to grudges. Your decision to whether you want to keep that source of anger in your life or not is the main game changer. Always, ALWAYS wish everyone well, and leave on a good note. It will make you feel lighter than a feather.
  • Insecurities are a drug that slowly kill. Walk around like a boss and you will get the same treatment from the Universe.
  • Being what you are is great! But making a few minor adjustments in your own personality is always a healthy exercise. We are humans after all and have been designed to make mistakes. It’s ok to identify your own flaws and work on them. It is also important to hold your ground where you know you’re right.
  • A friendly expression and gentle tone of voice will take you to many pleasant places.
  • Make everyone feel better about themselves. It will make you special.
  • Your pattern of thoughts are the key to many doors.
  • Human beings are more powerful than they think.
  • Every minute of exercise is worth it.
  • Friends are sometimes better than relatives. These are people you hand-pick your self unlike relations that we are stuck with since birth.
  • Humanity is much, MUCH greater than any religion.
  • Traveling to any place – even the street across from your home would be fun if the company is fun.
  • Follow the vibes.
  • Keep a track record of the trend of your thoughts and become your own psycho analyst.
  • Give your self a chance to indulge in EVERYTHING you have ever wanted to try.
  • Don’t live to eat. Be kind to your over all system.
  • If people don’t reach out to you, you reach out to them.
  • People who don’t like you for whatever reason, are likely to never like you in the future. Let them be and shift your energy towards those who do.
  • Give yourself time and make a habit of enjoying your own company.
  • I am in a much better place than most people in this world.
  • I have the power to change my story.
  • Helping others will help you too.
  • Don’t let your ego make your decisions for you.
  • A dog’s hug after a long day can sometimes be the only thing you need to relieve you off the stress.
  • Always give love a chance.

Lastly, I’d like to admit that labeling 2014 as a horrible year is unfair. 2014’s taught me a lot and then 2015 brought more lessons. 2016 will be another chapter and a new learning experience.

I am not scared. I am looking forward to it.